Put on your shoes...

I heard a sermon today that really spoke to something I've been thinking about lately.  The sermon was based on Acts 12: James had just been killed by Herod, and Peter is imprisoned and being watched by 16 guards.  Needless to say, Peter appears to be in an impossible situation.

Now I'd just be lying if I suggested that I can really relate to Peter's actual experience, but I do think that we each know a little something about what it is to be imprisoned to something.  Peter was imprisoned by Herod, but there are times in each of our lives where we catch ourselves in situations that we continue to do things time after time that are not good for us or for our relationship with God--we are imprisoned by a particular sin or by our circumstances.  If you're anything like me, you convince yourself that things are beyond your control and you just get apathetic about the whole situation--we say the situation is just too difficult or God just hasn't given us the strength we need.  When we've reached this point, we have lost all hope that we can escape our prison.

In this story, Peter's place of helplessness comes from being chained and surrounded by 16 soldiers--there's no way he could get out.  While there are a variety of ways God could have chosen to deliver Peter out of his situation, he did so in a very specific way.  Rather than blinding the guards or causing an earthquake, God sent Peter an angel to help get him out of his situation.  The angel wakes Peter up in the middle of the night and his first instructions are "Get dressed and follow me."  This is the point in the sermon that really pushed me.

I'm convinced that not having all the strength you need to avoid a sin or circumstances does not mean you have no responsibility.  If Peter had not followed the instructions of the angel, or even hesitated in putting on his shoes, it's quite possible he would have missed the opportunity to escape his prison.  Assuming God does desire to help us escape our prisons as well, I can't help but wonder what putting on my sandals might look like.

""Then the angel said to him, “Put on your clothes and sandals.” And Peter did so. “Wrap your cloak around you and follow me,” the angel told him. Peter followed him out of the prison, but he had no idea that what the angel was doing was really happening; he thought he was seeing a vision. They passed the first and second guards and came to the iron gate leading to the city. It opened for them by itself, and they went through it. When they had walked the length of one street, suddenly the angel left him.” -Acts 12:8-10

Testimony

I was fortunate enough last night to spend some time with two friends who are in seminary with me.  We've been getting together every so often over the last couple months just to catch up with each other.  Times like these are so important for me because they give me the chance to stop thinking about my own life and hear stories about what is happening/has happened in the lives of others.


One piece of our conversation that I continue to think about is when we talked about the power of testimony.  I'm sure that most of us, at one point in our lives, have been to a church or some other kind of ministry and heard the testimony of someone whose life has been radically changed by God.  This person may have been a drug addict, possibly a member of a gang, or any other number of things, but regardless of the specific details, they went from a place of not knowing or caring about God to a place of absolute dependence on God.  It really can only be described as some kind of divine revelation: similar to Paul, God encountered them in a special way and their lives were immediately turned around.


I've heard these stories a number of times and am amazed every time.  I'm amazed that God loves us so much that he meets us wherever we are and I'm reminded that entering into a relationship with God really does turn people's lives upside down.  Simply put, it's amazing.


After hearing these testimonies, I always look back over my own life and remind myself that I've never spent time in jail, haven't stolen cars or robbed convenient stores, and I haven't even tried drugs.  Simply put, I've thought my testimony is boring.  That is, until now.


Last night my friend shared a conversation he's had with someone (we'll call him John) who has the kind of wild testimony I've described.  In this conversation, John explained that the power of testimonies like mine is in the realization that God's faithfulness has been present and evident in my life since I was a child.  What I see as boring, John sees as a blessing.  John said he would love to erase those rough years from his life and from his memory.  He wishes that he did not have to remember the bad things he has done and the hurt he has caused.


As I think about that comment, isn't that what we all wish?  While I may not have stolen money from my parents and been ripped off in a drug deal, I have caused some serious pain to some real friends because of my own selfishness.  I have done things I wish I could erase from my memory because every time I'm reminded of it, I'm taken back to it.  There have been days in my life when I didn't even want to get out of bed because I felt like I was completely alone.  While the memories that John and I might share are very different, I do think we're still telling a very similar story:


There have been times in my life when I desperately needed God but was running in every direction except towards him.  I was searching for something that would provide me with hope, but I was looking to the world instead of to God.  But then, God found me.  It may have been through a friend, a mentor, a dream, a vision, or in jail, but God found me, and I now have hope.  That is our testimony.


"Because he lives, I can face tomorrow
Because he lives, all fear is gone
Because I know he holds the future 
And life is worth the living Just because he lives"

The practice of discernment

Reaching new people, revealing new things to us, calling us to use our gifts in new ways, being active in our seemingly mundane lives..God's always doing something, right?  I really do believe this whole-heatedly.  However, at this point in my life I'm still trying to learn how jump in and be a part of the new things that God is doing.  Where do we look for these opportunities, who do we talk to, and most of all, how do we discern any of this?

That last one is the question I was asked on the Easter morning by one of the elders of my church.  I've had multiple conversations with this person in particular about where I'm feeling called and how my calling has changed along the way.  At different times she has offered helpful questions, great advice, or some much needed reassurance to me as I've traveled along my journey.  Because she has been with me throughout my journey, I was a little surprised by her question about how I come to an understanding of where God is calling me; I just wasn't expecting such a question from her.

However, the more I thought about her question, the more I realized that we are all curious about the answer to that question.  How is it that people make decisions that sometimes seem completely irrational, but do so with absolute confidence because they feel God calling them in that direction?  The short answer to this question is I don't really know how it works for other people and I'm not completely sure how it works for me.  While I don't think my journey hasn't been all that crazy, some of my recent questions and decisions really don't make sense to some of the people I've talked to.  And to be honest, I'm still not exactly sure how I continue to be at peace with choosing not to follow the traditional path of pastoral ministry.  I obviously feel called to something different, but that doesn't explain why I'm not feeling stressed out or nervous about not having something lined up after graduation.  Fortunately I don't have a bunch or debt from college or a family to support, but I do still have to think about how I'm going to my bills.

In attempt to answer this lady's question as best I can, I continue to come to an understanding of God's call on my life through prayer, discernment, and conversation.  I talk to the people whom I love, trust, and respect.  I share my thoughts, ideas, frustrations, and questions with them.  I pay attention to what their reactions are: encouraging, critical, confused, dismissive, etc.  Regardless of what their immediate response is, I continue to think about their responses, but pay particular attention to their questions and criticism as I continue to pray for understanding.  Ultimately, if I'm able to reach a place where I understand the questions they're asking, but still feel God's peace in the midst of anxiety, I believe I've reached a place of discernment.

I'm convinced that sometimes you just can't not do something.  I've come to realize that sometimes, even if your decision might not make rational sense or you don't have all--or even most--of the answers to these people's questions, the cost of not following your heart is just too great.  What about the rest of you--how do you interpret how/where God is calling you?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.  Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil.  This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones."  -Proverbs 3:5-8

Evangelism...What is it?

So recently I've been thinking quite a bit about the term "evangelism" and what it means.  In my opinion, evangelism is simply sharing your understanding of who God is in word and in deed.  In one of my classes, my professor, Ralph Watkins, challenged us with his interpretation: " Evangelism is not something we do but rather it is who we are as followers as Christ."  When he first suggested this idea, I was completely on board with it--it makes all Christians evangelists and, in doing so, minimizes many of those negative stereotypes of the term: the street preacher condemning everyone to hell, the person walking up to you while at Goodwill and saying "repent and believe in Jesus Christ" without any real intention of having a conversation with you about who this Jesus Christ is or why you should believe in him, etc.  However, as I've been thinking on this idea of evangelism not being an action, but a characteristic, I've been growing a bit uneasy with it.

If evangelism is a characteristic and not an action, then shouldn't it be present in our actions?  But what about the times when a Christian has been wronged and isn't anywhere close a place of forgiveness?  What if a Christian is so focused on what they are doing that they don't even acknowledge the people around them?  What if a Christian drinks a little more than they perhaps should have?  If evangelism isn't an intentional action but instead a characteristic, then how is it present in these scenarios?

I will be the first to admit that I'm not perfect by any means, but I will say that my faith calls me to live an intentional life.  I think part of that intentional life is trying to make my actions consistent with who the Gospel calls me to be and what it calls me to do.  Even when I fail at living up to that calling, I'm still a Christian, but I'm not sure that I'd still consider myself an evangelist of Jesus Christ.  My faith is present in me and I'm relying on God's grace and forgiveness, but the person of Jesus Christ may not be evident in my words and deeds.  

My faith cannot be simplified into a way of moral living, but I do believe we are called to live lives that are faithful to the gospel and when we fall short, we need to accept that our failures impact not only our faith lives, but also the faith of those who surround us.  For that reason, I believe evangelism is more of an intentional action than inherent characteristic.  Much of evangelism is about discerning what in our lives is preventing us from sharing our faith in word and in deed.

"Jesus said to his disciples: 'Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble.'" Luke 17:1-2

You are each welcome to leave your thoughts on this topic--what do you agree/disagree with; what would you add?  I'm still working on this myself, so I'd love to hear what you think.

New Direction for this Blog

I began this blog as a way to share the changes that have been happening in my life and to share my general thoughts/experiences of the church and faith.  While I will continue to make this a large part of what this blog is used for, it is now serving a dual purpose.  Namely, I've been required by a class to keep--at minimum--a weekly blog that discusses topics that are relevant to the church and the use of multimedia and/or social networking.  The thought behind this project is that the internet allows Christians--particularly those working in the church--to be in conversation with people who the would not necessarily encounter in their everyday lives.  That being the idea behind this whole thing, I've decided to include some statistics about what has happened with my own blog since my first post.

As of today--20 days after my first post--my blog has been visited 234 times.  People have been directed here by facebook, linkedin, yahoo, blogspot, and other websites.  Of those 234 times, my page has been viewed by people in the U.S., Russia, the U.K., Norway, the Ukraine, and Germany.

Given that I am not aware of any friends I have who are living in four of those six countries, I agree with my professor's premise that the internet gives us the opportunity to impact an entirely new audience who we wouldn't come into contact with in our daily lives.  Since a large percentage of the today's church (congregations and individuals) is not present on the internet, where do we expect to enter into conversation with those who are not in pews on Sunday mornings?  As our world becomes more dependent on the internet, what will be the impact on the church and how can we use the internet in new ways as a tool for evangelism?  It's time we challenge ourselves to meet people where they are--whether that's in their neighborhoods, at their jobs, on the internet, etc.--instead of hoping that others will come to our churches to learn about our experiences of God.


"Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. Then Jesus came to them and said, 'All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.'”
-Matthew 28:16-20

Conversation

So this last week I was given the opportunity to take part in conversation about what is happening in my life with a number of people who I deeply respect and love. In entering in these conversations, I knew their desire to talk with me about my recent decision has come out of their care and concern for me and my future. I think that's the reason why I was so--and continue to be--affected by their doubts/concerns. When someone who you deeply care for displays a deep concern about a decision you've made, it puts you in a weird place.

In my own situation, I've decided to put my ordination on hold for at least a year, possibly indefinitely. As you're aware of, the two things that have led to this decision are my uncertainty about denominations being a faithful interpretation of God's call on the church and my inability to construct a theology of ordination (versus commissioning/installation, which I'm completely in support of). While I do not doubt whether I'm following God's call on my life to suspend my work towards ordination, the deep concern some people have about my decision to postpone ordination does make me question how they can be so concerned when I feel at peace. The fact that the only thing they have to be concerned about in this whole thing is me, suggests to me that maybe they're seeing something in this whole thing that I'm just overlooking.

Have I thought about how this decision (if it is a permanent thing as opposed to a temporary thing) will impact me in the long run? Yes, I have. Choosing not to be ordained means I will not have the ability to look within a denomination for a job. It means that while a serving in a denomination will guarantee health insurance, benefits, and pension, choosing not to be ordained means I will have to figure all of these things out as I go.

I do feel like I need to clarify one thing to each of you, particularly if you are in the process of ordination or are serving a denominational church somewhere. These are questions I have for me in my life as I seek to discern God's call on my life. I do think you should consider these questions, but I don't expect you to come to the same answers that I have. As such, I don't think a calling to serve in a denomination as an ordained minister is an illegitimate calling; I'm just not sure that's what God's calling on my life is. I think some of these posts may have come across condemning to some of you, but that was not my intent at all, so I apologize if you have felt that way.

That being said, for those of you who do have questions for me or who disagree with what I'm doing, please take the time to talk with me about it--I'm completely open to that. I really do want to hear what you have to say and maybe it will help bring clarity to me as I continue to work through this. I'm very grateful to all of you who continue to pray for me.

"Join with me in suffering for the gospel, relying on the power of God, who saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works but according to his own purpose and grace." -2 Tim 1:8-9

Christian Community.....

This past week I took the opportunity to run away from seminary life for a few days and spend some time with a college friend, Ryan, at the beach. Given that we were both up for an adventure and we're both pretty cheap, we gave couchsurfing a try. For those of you who don't know what it is, couchsurfing.com is a website where you can find people who are willing to open up a spare bedroom or a couch in their house for you. What's great about it is that it's completely free and you get to stay with a local who can show you around the city. It's definitely not for everyone, but I think it's a great way to travel on a budget and meet really cool people.

So, other than discovering that couchsurfing is my new favorite way to travel, I was given a lot of time to reflect on things this week. While I am very uncertain about things in my future, I've realized that God has blessed me in so many ways in my past and for that reason alone, I've got no reason too stop trusting him now. I've always known this, but in particular, one realization in particular has led to that reaffirmation for me.

A little background info: I've recently started being an accountability partner with Ryan. Among other things, this means we check in on each other on a daily basis to see if the other has spent time in the word and we call each other out when the other isn't living up to their faith--whether that has to do with things we are doing or things we aren't doing. As if that wouldn't be hard enough, we also live about three hours away from each other, which means this whole thing depends not only on us being completely honest when we are asked about things, but it often means we seek out time to talk with the other and start off the conversation with "I messed up by..." This has been very challenging to do even though I have absolute confidence in him; it just isn't my nature to want to call someone to tell them the details of how I fall short.

Anyways, during the last night of our couchsurfing experience, two other couchsurfers ended up staying in the house as well. The next day, my friend and I were spending time reading through some scripture and one of the girls came and joined us. We didn't know anything about her or her friend, but it soon became clear that she is very committed to her faith but is going through a tough time in her life. She explained to us that she, like many other committed Christians, is struggling to find an authentic Christian community in which she can be challenged to grow in her faith. She has visited different ministries and churches and even tried to create this community with some of her friends, but it just wasn't working. She wanted to know from us how our relationship had gotten to the point it is at now.

As she shared her story with us and left us with that question, I was challenged to think about how Ryan and I had gotten to this point. We tried to offer genuine responses to this question as best we could, but the best advice we could come up was something to the effect of: it has to be someone who wants the same thing as you, someone who you care for so much that you wouldn't allow yourself to be dishonest with them, etc. All of these are real traits that you need in an accountability partner, but I don't think we really answered what she wanted to know: how does it happen? In fact, I know I couldn't fully answer her question because even now I'm not sure; I have continued to think about her question ever since.

Unfortunately I don't have a five step model to making authentic Christian community, but in hopes of helping people work towards that goal, I do have some suggestions. Hopefully this will be helpful to someone, but if you have any other suggestions, feel free to comment below.

-Without any doubt, I believe the first step to finding this kind of community is prayer. Name that desire before God and then be ready to do some work in yourself. I say be ready to do some work because, even if God had put someone in my life 5 years ago who could have been there for me, I was not ready for it and would not have been committed to it.

-Be honest with those who God has put in your life about your desire for community. I believe all people are hungry for authentic relationship and I believe that's what the church is described as in Acts 2. Until we seek this community out with our fellow brothers and sisters, we aren't going to find it. Also, don't limit yourself as to where you look; inconvenient relationships are intentional relationships.

-Sustaining these relationships takes a lot of humility and a lot of work; until you're to the point that you're willing to submit to both of those, it isn't going to be successful. When we first considered trying this out, Ryan said to me, "Kyle, if this is only going to be a two week thing, then let's not even start it." In him saying that, I knew he was ready for the commitment this would take and, recognizing what a blessing this could be for me in my journey, I agreed to put in the work; the humility is still a work in progress.

-Don't lose hope. God responds to each of us not on a first come, first serve basis, but in a way that meets the needs we currently have: accountability partners, prayer partners, book studies, bible studies, etc. Keep your eyes open for where God is at work in your life.

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved."-Acts 2:42-47

When God speaks...

This past weekend I was able to experience just a piece of what the monastic life is about. Given the intensity of last week, it worked out quite well that, months ago, I had scheduled myself a private retreat at the monastery out in Conyers. For those of you thinking it, yes it was kind of strange leaving Decatur for a retreat weekend and driving to a monastery that is literally 5 miles from my house. Growing up that close to the monastery, I had been there and visited the bookstore and grounds, but this was the first time I'd been with the intent of gaining spiritual insight.

Back when I scheduled my retreat, my goal was to learn more about the Holy Spirit. I've often heard people talk about "feeling the Spirit" or "being guided by the Spirit" and so forth, but the idea of the Spirit has kind of always made me uncomfortable. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that it's the same Spirit my "Reformed" friends talk about experiencing in silence or in times of great pain who is also present when Pentecostals and other Charismatics speak in tongues or prophecy. I've had two people in my life who I know have the latter ability, so by no means do I doubt the presence of this kind of thing in the church today, but I still don't really get it. Anyways, that was initiated my desire for the retreat in the first place.

For those of you hoping I could now say that I've mastered my understanding of the HS, sorry, I've let you down. In fact, my understanding of the HS has stayed about the same. What was confirmed for me at the retreat is that all people are different, and as such, God (the HS) meets people where they are and speaks to each of us in different ways. For me, I generally discern God's direction for me through conversation--conversation with friends, families, or even strangers. This past weekend I spoke with a Methodist, a few Catholics, a Baptist, and a few non-denoms about my life just to hear their thoughts. It turns out that the non-denom pastor who I talked with was actually a Methodist minister who had left the denomination for reasons similar to the questions I'm raising.

I'm not saying that quiet time, reflection, and the like are simply not for me. Over the last few months I've become convinced that while I do not much like journaling, it's the only way I take the time to deal with my own crap; it's much easier and makes me feel much better to help other people deal with their own stuff. However, in the times that I've done that as opposed to dealing with my own stuff, I wasn't being genuine to the people I was with and I was in denial of my own life. Taking time for this meditation/reflection/silence/etc. is not only good for Christians, I think it's essential to who we are. If we don't take this time, we not only end up going through life like zombies who are disassociated and just going through the motions (that might be a little harsh, but you get the idea), but we miss the faith practice of looking at how God has been in our lives over the last day/week/month.

It's no surprise to many of you that I'm not a big fan of silence. In fact, this past weekend confirmed something else for me as well: long periods of silence not only make me uncomfortable, but they stress me out. While experiencing a day of silence may be a retreat in itself for some people, I've got a long ways to go before I can find peace in it. After a few hours, I just miss the ability to be "with" people. I like hearing people's thoughts on a retreat, hearing their experiences of God. Some silence is definitely good for everyone--especially when it comes to contemplative prayer--because it allows us to be with God without all stuff we bring to the table. In my experience of Church, the only prayer I've been taught is one where I rattle off what I'm thankful for, what requests I have, praise to God, etc. Contemplative prayer is basically a kind of prayer in which you strive to keep your mind completely empty (kinda counter-intuitive, I know...and yes, it's really hard to do) and just sit with God. While I have by no means mastered this skill either, this is another thing I'm becoming more convinced should be a practice I work on; it's kind of hard to hear God when our only conversations are monologues.

"Men listened to me and waited

and kept silence for my counsel.
²² After I spoke they did not speak again,
and my word dropped upon them.
²³ They waited for me as for the rain,
and they opened their mouths as for the spring rain.
²⁴ I smiled on them when they had no confidence,
and the light of my face they did not cast down.
²⁵ I chose their way and sat as chief,
and I lived like a king among his troops,
like one who comforts mourners."

What happens when...?

What happens when your world gets turned upside down? Well I start a blog...

What happens when...

...you get so caught up in the process of something that you forget to ask why your doing it in the first place?

...you ignore all your doubts because you're doing what you're "supposed" to do?

...you feel God telling you that what you've been working towards over the last 3 years of your life isn't actually where you're being called?

These are just some of the questions I've been dealing with for the last week. Had you asked me about my life two weeks ago, I would have confidently said something to the effect of, "I graduated from Presbyterian College 2 1/2 years ago, am graduating from a Presbyterian seminary in May, getting ordained into the Presbyterian Church in August, then I hope to serve as a Young Adult Volunteer with PC(USA) in Peru for a year." If you didn't catch all that, I've been really busy being Presbyterian and was planning on continuing that trend on into my foreseeable future.

However, my life took a major detour last week. I found out that the ordination part of those plans wasn't going to happen, at least not as I had planned. Ultimately, this discovery has made me take a step back and consider some real questions I've had since I first entered seminary, but have simply been ignoring. I realize now that I've been going through this process for ordination simply because it was what I was "supposed" to do. I spent most of last week considering what I believe about ordination and denominations in general. I believe God calls for the church and sets apart leaders in the church for special tasks, but does that necessarily equate with denominations and ordinations? I'm not so sure anymore. While I have been pursuing ordination within PC(USA) over the last three years without rest, these doubts have been suppressed.

What does this mean for me? Well, right now I am putting off ordination within the PC(USA) for a while. I am no longer moving forward with the process, but neither am I completely shutting the book on the issue (at least not yet). I cannot keep my integrity and move forward in a process that I'm not sure I believe.

Is this a scary place to be? Yes. I'm making plans to serve with a missionary in Peru next year, but even those plans are far from finalized. Even if Peru does happen, I'm not sure what God's plans are for my life after Peru; I could make predictions, but they would be terribly inaccurate. I don't know if my place is in an organized denomination or not; I don't know if a denomination will ever recognize and ordain me for whatever ministry I do. Oddly enough, at this point I'm okay with that. Whether these things happen or not, the one thing I'm sure of is that before all else, I must seek God. Ultimately, I have felt God's call on my life and I have been recognized by my faith communities all along the way as being called into ministry and, at least for now, that's all I need. Maybe one day my thoughts on these issues will change, and if God does one day call me into traditional service within PC(USA), great. But if I don't ever feel that calling, that's okay too.

What happens when...? Well, I've turned to God for guidance and ask each of you who read this blog to keep my discernment in your prayers.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21)