What happens when...
...you get so caught up in the process of something that you forget to ask why your doing it in the first place?
...you ignore all your doubts because you're doing what you're "supposed" to do?
...you feel God telling you that what you've been working towards over the last 3 years of your life isn't actually where you're being called?
These are just some of the questions I've been dealing with for the last week. Had you asked me about my life two weeks ago, I would have confidently said something to the effect of, "I graduated from Presbyterian College 2 1/2 years ago, am graduating from a Presbyterian seminary in May, getting ordained into the Presbyterian Church in August, then I hope to serve as a Young Adult Volunteer with PC(USA) in Peru for a year." If you didn't catch all that, I've been really busy being Presbyterian and was planning on continuing that trend on into my foreseeable future.
However, my life took a major detour last week. I found out that the ordination part of those plans wasn't going to happen, at least not as I had planned. Ultimately, this discovery has made me take a step back and consider some real questions I've had since I first entered seminary, but have simply been ignoring. I realize now that I've been going through this process for ordination simply because it was what I was "supposed" to do. I spent most of last week considering what I believe about ordination and denominations in general. I believe God calls for the church and sets apart leaders in the church for special tasks, but does that necessarily equate with denominations and ordinations? I'm not so sure anymore. While I have been pursuing ordination within PC(USA) over the last three years without rest, these doubts have been suppressed.
What does this mean for me? Well, right now I am putting off ordination within the PC(USA) for a while. I am no longer moving forward with the process, but neither am I completely shutting the book on the issue (at least not yet). I cannot keep my integrity and move forward in a process that I'm not sure I believe.
Is this a scary place to be? Yes. I'm making plans to serve with a missionary in Peru next year, but even those plans are far from finalized. Even if Peru does happen, I'm not sure what God's plans are for my life after Peru; I could make predictions, but they would be terribly inaccurate. I don't know if my place is in an organized denomination or not; I don't know if a denomination will ever recognize and ordain me for whatever ministry I do. Oddly enough, at this point I'm okay with that. Whether these things happen or not, the one thing I'm sure of is that before all else, I must seek God. Ultimately, I have felt God's call on my life and I have been recognized by my faith communities all along the way as being called into ministry and, at least for now, that's all I need. Maybe one day my thoughts on these issues will change, and if God does one day call me into traditional service within PC(USA), great. But if I don't ever feel that calling, that's okay too.
What happens when...? Well, I've turned to God for guidance and ask each of you who read this blog to keep my discernment in your prayers.
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21)
2 comments:
praying with you friend. here if you need anything. -cj
Welcome to the "wilderness", Mr. Kyzer. As God prepares/trains/grows you in ways that you probably had not imagined previously, keep in mind what He told Isaiah: "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them" (Isa 42:16). Keep the faith and stay encouraged, Kyle.
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